Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Peter


Peter is the love of her life she thought, how could he just stop loving me.  We have been together for 3 years, and now that we’re getting ready to really start our lives he leaves.  What is wrong with this picture?  Why can’t I stop crying? 

It’ll be 10 years come December that my world ended, yet it my mind and in my heart it still feels like last week.  My memory is spotty at best, yet I remember those two months in every breath I take.  It was a snowy afternoon and I knew something was wrong, so I went by the store to see him, just like I would do on any other day I was in the neighborhood.  But today was strange, the secretary who normally chit chatted with me, was just straight and to the point, I was even allowed to go into the stock room to find him, she never let me back there before.  I stood there talking trying to apologize for the mess I’d been for the 6 months.  But it’s to be expected I think.  I am about to graduate into the real world, this is it baby, we are moving out of this frozen hell.  He didn’t try to console me like he normally would, taking me into that 6’2” frame of his, covering and hiding me from the world.  Instead he just stood there leaning against the counter, his deep red plaid flannel on, with this silver tabbed Levi’s that were so hard to find.  Everything’s ok he told me.  So I left and went back home to study, one more final tomorrow then my 5 years of school would be done.  I said goodbye to the secretary as I tried to conceal my face from her.  I always thought she liked me, but I guess when people split up, so do your loyalties.  I felt slightly better on the 5 minute drive home, happy even.  I pull up to our little house on Minneapolis only to find it littered with familiar cars.  What are all these people doing at my house?  Don’t they know I have one more final to study for?  I hear music coming from the house as I exit the car.  Luckily I realize it’s coming from the downstairs apartment, and not mine.  I never liked studying in complete quiet anyway.  I walk up the stairs only to find friends piled into our tiny 2 bedroom apartment.  I sit with them and have a beer or 2 before finally convincing them that yes I really do have to study, this is my hardest class this semester and I need to do well.  I have one more beer than head off to my room to study the intricacies of Physical Chemistry.  Then the world ends.  The phone rings and my roommate hands me the phone. 
Oh, it’s you, a perfect distraction, I say.  The rest of the conversation is kind of blurred in my mind, the only thing I do remember him saying is that he needed time.
I’m sorry, what?  I thought everything was resolved this afternoon?
No, I just couldn’t do that to you? He says.
Oh, but you can say it to me over the phone you fucking coward, I yell.  I try to joke and hope that he will reconsider, but he tells me that he’s been thinking about this since the summer and it’s time. 
What the fuck are you talking about, since the summer and how much time are we talking about? 
He says he doesn’t know how much time.
What the hell am I supposed to do while you figure your life out?  Because all he said was he needed time, he never really said he was breaking up with me.  So of course, me being the all or nothing girl tell him exactly that. 
He then tells me that I should just carry on with my life like I was going to. 
I’m sorry, my life was going to be with you, I was going to work here in this small town hell hole for another 6 months until you graduated and look for a job in Phoenix and be there by July.  So how exactly am I going to do this now?
He then re-iterates that he just needs time and says he needs to go, Todd is waiting for him.
That’s all I really remember from that conversation.  I just remember I was sitting at my desk, with the lamp on and my chemistry notes lying in front of me.
My friends have heard me from the other room and come to see what I’m yelling at because they know who is on the phone.  I tell them the story as Melissa makes me a drink.  Not the best way to deal with a problem, but it’s a start.  My world feels like it is falling apart.  Here was to be the best Christmas ever and now it’s ruined.   Yes I am a dramatic person, so of course the next thing I do is utterly ubsurd as I think back to it.  I call my best friend who is living on the opposite coast in the hopes for some consolation and to finally tell him how I feel about him, no better time then the present.
He is excited and surprised to hear from me.  Cool I think.  Then he drops his bomb, he’s getting ready for a date and I caught him just before they went out, oh and do I want to talk to her.  Fuck NO the voice in my head screams.  Ok, her name is Satan here she is.  Before I can protest I hear a female voice that is kinda nervous.  Hi, I say, apologizing for Dave’s actions as well as for interrupting their date, more small talk occurs then I tell her to just hand the phone back to the big doofus.  Well? What do you think? Y’a like her? He asks.  Sure I say, how can you gage a person in 2 minute introduction, especially over the phone.  I hang up feeling even worst than before.  My life is over.  So instead of studying I head out to the bar with my friends.  Luckily it isn’t our local haunts, we head to the even smaller town that houses all the prisons in the area.  By the time we reach the bar, I have had several shots and can honestly say I don’t remember what the bar looked like.

You know what I find even more odd is that guys like me.  I mean really like me, and I hold a special place in them even years later.  Kind of a cool feeling when you don’t think that much of yourself.  There have been at least 5 guys in my life to whom I have had that effect.  But they weren’t the ones I wanted.  Even after he broke my heart and told me to move on, he still worried about me.   He broke up with me, yet I couldn’t go out after that without noticing him there as he talked with my friend asking her if I was alright and that I was ok.  Why, why would you do that?   You blatantly told me “I DON’T LOVE YOU, I don’t think I ever did!” then you turn around and wonder who are those guys I’m talking to?  I played games though, geez these guys were friends I went to high school with and I hadn’t seen then in a few years, but I made it out to be more. 

I wish I knew what it all meant.  As I said before it’s been 10 years and I still wonder.