Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Anna


What do I want to do?  What do I want to be?  I want to be remembered.   I want to be a star.  I want to be a household name.  I want little indian kids to know my name and hang posters of me in their room.  I want people to want to be me.  What am I doing towards this?  Nothing.  Nothing at all and everything at the same time.  I am trying to get to my  imfamy in any way I can.  But instead of focusing my energies in one direction, I am accept any challenge that is presented to me in the hopes that this will be the one.  My holy grail to instant stardom.  Today I was stopped in my tracks by a friend and person whose opinion I value.  She asked "What do you want to do?".  Tears welled in my eyes.  I tried to fight them back, I didn't want this ridiculous question to melt me, but it did.  I stood there in silence, just shaking my head, I don't know.  She stood in front of me feeling my pain knowing exactly how I felt.  She asked "what did you want to be when you were 9?"  This question was in the hopes of helping me figure out what I wanted to be.  But it didn't.  My answer "an astronaut".  This answer stopped her.  "Well, that doesn't help".  I guess you could still be an astronaut.  Was there anything else?  I stopped and took another deep look inside.  Well there is something else.  I wanted to be a model.  I had forgotten about that.  Why was that?  Have you ever stopped to think where those dreams come from and why?  An actor, a model.  I wanted to be that face up there.  So there is my answer right?  So don't take the job.  Don't do it.  That isn't something you want to do for the rest of your life.  But...but...but...but.........what do I do?  I don't like not having money.  I don't like thinking of myself as poor and limiting luxuries I once didn't think twice of.  But I am in this self imposed hell by myself.  My partner has not accepted this.  Does she not understand our predicament.  YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB ANYMORE!  You don't work!  You cannot still live like you used to.  Maybe you should stop smoking?  How much is a pack of cigarette?  Why didn't you pack your lunch today?  You ate out again?  No, we cannot go our for mojitos!  Do you know how much those fuckers are?  and especially since you can't just stop at one.  You become a sloppy drunk that I just want to slap.  So yes I have to take the job, and perhaps shortcut my childhood dreams because I am thinking of us and our future and you are being a selfish bitch.  Yes, I am a martyr.  I have sacrificed for us.  You, you selfish c-word are considering me.  You are not thinking of me, of us, of our future.  Fine you want some comforts of life, but what about when we're old and gray what will we do then.  I don't want to be some crazy old bag lady that hs to live on the streets.  We don't have kids, so I can't go and mooch off them.  Yes, I am being selfish!  But it's only because no one is thinking about me, but me!