Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Bubble bubble toil....

...you get the picture.  I have just returned from a whirlwinded week.  My head is percolating with ideas and things to do.  For a moment (sidebar: I will now always think of Minnesota and Pangea whenever I say this statement or even hear the song, thank you Muriel) this morning I was sad.   Arriving home in the dark of night concealed and wrapped me in the still warm and fuzzy feelings I left Minneapolis with.  I can do anything.  I can write anything.  I can perform everything.  But as the early morning sunshine broke through the blinds and weaved its way between the fibers of the curtains, reality set in.  I am home.  My own bed, not quite as cozy as the Sheraton's was.  Ok, ok, let's continue the morning practise I developed over the week. Hup-2-3-4. Let's do some Suzuki style plies. 10 count. 20 count.  I can hear Izumi voice.  Why-o, why-o.  There is Linda.  I can feel Dora's energy as she runs around during the warm-ups...the rest of class making oddly shaped circles.

Wait? What?  Who am I kidding?  I have to unpack.  I have to clean and bring order to the house and its various states of cleanliness it is in (sidebar: I'm kind of a neat freak, so it was probably fine, but I needed to scrub something).  Gotta wake up and drop my husband off at the Metro station. I get into my car, which is covered in a light layer of dust that shows the remnants of an light rain from earlier this week.  The early morning ride. I return home, grab my computer and return to my routine from before the workshop.  I start over-researching ideas and themes, I am lost down a deep deep Pinterest hole of oblivion.  My computer crashes.  It's noon already.  I am still in my pajamas, the house is no cleaner, but thankfully after calls from family with happy wishes for me and tales of their recent adventures, I have found a renewed hope for where to go now.

Now a week later, it seems like Minneapolis was a lifetime ago  What did I do?  What did I learn? What was I excited to go and create?  Darnit.  Momentum lost again.  Pinterest hole of despair here I come.  Here, at home, I have a list of things I want to do, but fear has crept in again.  Ideas for scripts and stories bounce around in my head.  A zillion tabs are opened on my computer, each pointing to an idea or thought I'd like to try, a grant I'd like to write.  Wait, how do you write a grant?  Multi-tasking trying to be everything.  What to do when you've discovered your life is hopeless.  Mid-life crisis.  I think that's what they call it. Figuring things out one tab at a time.