Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Writing clas 6-5-7


 How to fail

Fail, a word that was never a part of my vocabulary maybe that’s why it frightens me so.  It was always “be good Jen”, “be better Jen”, “run fast Jen” & when I did, there was no praise, because that’s what was expected of you. 

Maybe it’s good that fail wasn’t in my lexicon, I just didn’t do well then, I never really thought about it until now.  Living in L.A. makes fail seem like an ever present thing. 

The cards show me spilt milk with clumsy hands, what does that mean?  I guess for me it means suck it up and move on – I don’t dwell on it, pick up your mess and carry on, hide it, the failure.  Failure is sadness.  To fail is to have let someone down; there is no crying over spilt milk.  Wow, do I sound cliché.  These cards don’t relate to a certain period in my life, but rather a lifetime of trying not to fail.  Keep the glass full. 

It’s funny how people just expect things out of you, but why did you do them in the first place?  To not Fail?  Is failing stopping me from trying now?  Oh no, there it is.  I can feel the tears welling in my eyes, am I failing at this?  Well, I certainly am full of something.  I want to be good at whatever I do, maybe if I could understand what failure is, I could conquer it and just move on.  Realize “Hey you’re failure, nice to me you…later”.

Maybe I’ve felt it before or it happened to me and I just haven’t realized it.  No that can’t be it.  Shit, I don’t know.  Let’s see my definition of fail – Not accomplishing a task or is it not finishing a task?  Maybe if you don’t know what your goal is, you really don’t have to fail do you?  If you don’t know where you’re headed how would you know if you’ve never made it there?  Huh? 

That’s interesting, fail is also disappointment, I think now to being a kid, the things I accomplished and things I failed at – my goals according to what was going on in my teenaged life at the time according to YM or ‘Teen.  How odd to gage your life on the masses.  I think it happened subconsciously, it must have.  Things I failed at?  I don’t know.  Thru high school my goals were the cliché ones.  You know, be popular, have people like you, be prom queen, valedictorian, school president. Check. 

Fail comes into play when I don’t reach my goals, plain and simple.  Life is pretty black and white, there is no grey.  The line is right there in the sand you’re either on one side on the other.  No you can’t stand there on the line, what is this the circus?  No.  Fail lately is just not knowing who I am and what I want out of life.  There’s so much yet to do.  But according to my earlier definition it’s to reach a goal, well I don’t have one, so I guess I haven’t failed yet.