My body was just relieved to stop and not think anymore, as soon as I closed my eyes calm set over me. I could hear the noises outside but they were like a distant echo. I take a breath and settle in, nerves pinching in my leg, gotta move, gotta stop. My head is cloudy trying to go back to that time, an age of innocence, when was that where was that? When do you lose that innoncence? I thought perhaps it would be when I was a teenager, but really, there is no innocence there, you're always up to something scheming and plotting away. Innoncence is 5th grade, the school yard on a May day. The air is warm, the wind blows and kicks up dirt. We're playing some silly jump rope game. You know the one where you name your boyfriend? How truly innocent is that? You spell his name and all the girls around you wonder who he is. "He doesn't go to this school" she says puffing her chest with pride. "He's older, our dad's work together". All of a sudden you are mysterious, a world traveller. Innocence is lost when this same boy, years after "your relationship" has ended, dies. He was so young, not troublesome, how do you end up shooting yourself?